To Ask or Not to ASK
by J. Chad Simmons
Three questions you should never ask your “Southern Beauty”
Slips of the tongue are nothing new. Everyone has had them. You know, those moments when you can actually see the words as they are exiting your mouth. You helplessly watch as they unintentionally land on the ears of your victim. No matter how much you grope for the traveling words, you only end up with air slipping through your fingers.
I would be willing to bet that guys have had far more of these red-faced moments than our sleeker, softer, and more thoughtful counterparts. Therefore, I have decided to relay three short scenarios to my fellow brothers that, if avoided, will keep you in good favor with your favorite “Southern Beauty.” We are all happy to be the home of a Y chromosome; now we just need to prove that some sense comes with it.
You know the obvious questions to avoid when addressing the fairer sex: “Is that what you are going to wear?” “When are you due?” and “What happened to your hair?” If you can relate to asking any of the above questions, you are too far gone. I cannot help you. But for the rest of you, here are some lesser known questions that can still get you in a heap of hot water . . . and a night in the doghouse.
#1 “Where are you going with your purse?” A couple of months ago, as I was dropping my twins off at school, I saw the director walking down the hall, away from the main lobby. I am a pretty observant guy and noticed that “Miss Betty” had her purse on her shoulder. Not one to miss a chance to greet a person of position, I worked to make eye contact with Miss Betty. A simple gesture would have been fine, but I had to investigate.
“Morning, Betty. I’ve never seen you with a purse. Where are you off to this morning?” The look on her face paired with the raised eyebrows should have been proof that this was not an appropriate question, but I needed additional cues. It was at that point that I looked up and noticed we were standing in front of the female faculty restroom. Nice. Take my advice and avoid purse talk altogether. It is an endless topic that no man should ever explore.
#2“Would you prefer a table or a booth?” This one seems harmless at first. It is actually the follow-up conversation that got this male host in trouble. FYI: Follow-up conversations are usually where we do the most damage. My best advice is to stop, look, and listen. But mostly, just stop.
This lesson is circa 1993. My wife and I were on our fourth or fifth date. The fashion of the time dictated that she wear a Laura Ashley dress with pearls, frilly socks, and white Tretorn tennis shoes. The high waistline of the dress always struck me as odd, but who was I to question Miss Laura Ashley?
As we were being seated, the male host of our new Applebee’s seemed to take great pride in ensuring his customers’ dining comfort. The question appeared to be pretty standard. “Ma’am, would you prefer a table or a booth?” He was surprised when my wife responded, “It really doesn’t matter . . . whatever is the most convenient.”
Then came the follow-up statement. “I just figured that you would prefer a table. Most of our pregnant customers find booths hard to navigate.” Unfortunately, his follow-up still couldn’t compare to mine when I turned and stated, “Don’t pack that dress when we go home to meet Mama.”
#3“Excuse me sir, I have a bag if you want to put it over your head.” This one is my favorite because it speaks to the fact that our intentions are good, but execution is flawed. Or maybe this poor fella just needed a thorough eye exam.
No less than two weeks ago, a female coworker of mine called and relayed this pearl of male assistance. That day, she had left her home feeling unusually good about her appearance. In her words, “It was a good hair day, and I was rockin’ in my new outfit.” Sadly, it was a cold, wet day outside, and her company-issued Chevrolet Impala was on empty. Still enthusiastic about her reflection in the rearview mirror, Anne Marie pulled up to the pump.
The shelter of the Chevron did little to stop the blowing rain, but the real storm was yet to come. As Anne finished swiping her credit card, she heard the crackle of the station’s intercom system. “Excuse me, sir, I have a plastic bag in here if you want to put it over your head.” Only five minutes after leaving home, Anne’s good hair day was shot. She thought about taking the guy up on his offer for a plastic bag, but she finally concluded that no one deserves to be suffocated in the 5- x 5-foot bullet-proof booth of a corner Chevron.
If you’re still having trouble following my lessons, here is the primary take-home point: Think more and talk less. All objects of beauty are fragile and must be handled with confidence and care; our Southern Beauties are no exception. Don’t get me wrong . . . I applaud your efforts to communicate with compassion and intelligence. I simply want you to avoid the verbal pitfalls of those who have gone before. You don’t want to lose another rib, do you? [Sb]